Illy's POV : Day 3 - The 5 Stages of Detox

October 2, 2014

Today started on a somewhat positive note. I woke up and had a weird amount of nervous energy, as if I didn't know what to do with myself. So I went for my very first morning run.

I've always liked running, because I get most of my serious thinking done during that time. Maybe that's why I was a little skeptical of yoga. With running, you are constantly moving forward. And I always felt as if my thoughts moved quickly with it. Like, turbo thoughts (???). I'm not sure if I'm explaining this right.

Yoga always looked so stagnant, and I was afraid that my mind would sit there, with my ass, on the mat. Unmoved. But I'm happy to announce that is not the case. It isn't necessarily better or worse than running... it is just a very different experience.

The first few times I tried yoga, I was either focusing on my breathing or on the positions. I never really had a chance to let my mind do its thing. But today, I was comfortable enough with the positions, and breathing has already become a natural part of the process. I had nothing left but my mind. Which, for anyone who knows me, can be a very scary thing.

I'm not trying to sound negative about this, but seeing as I'm supposed to be blogging my thoughts through the entire challenge... Today was not a very good day overall. But I think I have figured out the 5 Stages of Detox.

1. Self-sabotage:  You immediately start to think of all the ways you can sneak in [enter food addiction here] without anyone knowing. But you'll know... You'll know. So you try a different tactic; you tell yourself there is no way you can complete this. Which systematically leads to...
2. Anger: You first get angry at yourself, for so many things. For getting to this point to begin with, for making bad life choices (especially when you should know better at this age). But then, the anger seeps towards other people, and usually for the stupidest reasons.
   
   If you are really lucky, you will start feeling anger towards the entire world, and for things you can not control. So you think to yourself, "There is no way I can feel like this for the next 27 days. I will literally lose my shit." So you begin...
3.  Bargaining: As with anger, the bargaining starts with yourself. "What if we just did the cleanse during the work week, then allowed ourselves the weekend to enjoy life once again." Be careful at this point- It is not uncommon for people to bounce back into self-sabotage. Then you start to bargain with others. Today, I tried bargaining with Ashley about doing squats during yoga. As in, I didn't want to do them... Luckily, she handled it well. And once everyone (hopefully yourself included) has effectively sidestepped your requests, the only place left for you is...
4. Depression: This is where I am right now. It isn't really a sadness, it is more of a nothingness.
   
   (Image taken from Hyperbole and a Half. If you have never heard of this blog, I strongly suggest you read it).
   The logical side of my brain knows that my body is just getting used to this new way of eating. But the illogical side of my brain keeps telling me that I will never feel joy again. My energy and drive is completely shot.
   
   My only saving grace is that I think acceptance is next.
5. Acceptance: ????

Dear god, let acceptance be next.

Illy's POV : Day 2 - Foo-dar

October 1st, 2014

I'm hungry.

~fin~



Lol joking. About the fin, not about being hungry. I want... to eat the world. Yoga was particularly difficult today. We did a lot of leg holds, and now they hurt a lot. I had to pee, and I couldn't lift myself off the toilet after.

It didn't help that I ran yesterday and this morning. I just feel really tired, and easily irritated. I couldn't sit inside anymore, so I went for a walk. I noticed that I seem to have developed this odd food radar... foo-dar, if you will. I could hear a crinkling behind me, and I knew it was a bag hold food. Don't ask me how, but I did.

So I turned around, and on the other side of the crosswalk, there was a man holding a slice of pizza in a brown paper bag. Everywhere I look, people are eating ALL THE FOODS. I want to eat all the foods.

I just need to get through these first few days... Right?

Although, on a positive note, I made this spanish rice dish (with brown rice) that was seriously delicious. I'll link to the recipe. I added some spices (cumin, cayenne pepper, pepper, chili flakes) and chopped up jalapeños, but it seemed to curb the carb-lor monster living inside me for a while.  

Illy's POV : Day 1... aka Doomsday

Sept 30, 2014 - Captains log...

For the first 5 minutes this morning, I lay in bed and blissfully forgot about the challenge. And do you know what my first thought was once I remembered?

"Aw man, I have to make something for breakfast."

And as I made breakfast (plain yogurt with granola and honey... Look out world!), I couldn't stop thinking about how much I didn't want to eat it. Why don't I ever eat breakfast? You always hear it is the most important meal of the day (gray area, in my opinion).

I took my first mouthful and had a difficult time swallowing it. My inner Dawson came out. I feel like it would have been amusing to watch me struggle with this food.  But I ate it, for the good of the challenge. Yet, as the day progressed, I started to really want something carb-ish.

Sorry, let me be more specific. By 3pm, I would have stolen bread from a homeless person, or ninja'd some carbs from the trash. The feeling has been overwhelming, and a little freaky. I'm going to write this sentence, just once:

I was craving carbs more then I was craving cigarettes.

And then, just because... life... I started really wanting a drink. Especially later in the evening. And especially after yoga. Now, keep in mind that my friend and I went to a wine festival on the weekend where we proceeded to drink our way through the entire park. So I says to myself, I says, "It's ok Iliana. You are just detoxing."

And then I had a thought. Maybe I'm drinking TOO MUCH if I'm still detoxing 3 days later.

I'm really grumpy and want to punch someone. It is probably best if I sign off here.

Illy's POV : Introductions must be made...

My name is Iliana, but many of my friends know me as Illy (or Tilly). To say I am daunted by this challenge would be a flat out lie. Why, you ask? I'll tell ya, friend. I am, first and foremost, a yoga virgin.

In preparation for this challenge, I started doing yoga 1 to 2 times a week (over the past 3 weeks). And I have to say, I'm already feeling pretty good about my mad yoga skills.

The second item that chills my soul is the whole "no meat" and "no bread" thing. I feel like Frodo, faced with the horrifying task of walking the ring into Mordor (my preciousss... bread). Knowing that when, or if, he returned, he would not be the same. 

I'm going to level with you... I grew up in a greek household. My dad would make pasta for dinner, and then we would use bread to wipe up the left over pasta sauce. I legitimately can't remember the last time I went a single day without some sort of delicious carb.

But I figure after smoking for 10+ years (3 weeks clean), poor food choices, drinking like a fish, and a lot of partying, I suppose I can try living healthy for 30 days. 

I owe my body that much.

baconbaconbaconbaconn-oops, sorry. I feel asleep at the keyboard thinking about the next 30 days.